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When to Share Sexual Past with Girlfriend or Boyfriend

Question from a concerned brother:


I visited the website and read a lot of your articles. It helps to have further insight on you when reading your posts on RCS. I was especially convicted by your post on bringing up our sex pasts in marriage. Before I knew the Lord, I had sinned sexually and it has been haunting me now that I am on the right path and looking for a wholesome relationship founded upon the Cornerstone.

At what point in a dating relationship do you suggest bringing these skeletons out? At the point where marriage is discussed? After engagement? At first contact? After marriage? My gut feeling is that it should be part of my testimony to any woman who knows me well enough to call me 'friend'. The sooner I tell, the less time I have to worry about it right?

Lee's Answer:

"Concerned Brother,"

First of all, praise God you got your life pointed in the right direction--toward Him.

As far as revealing your sexual past, timing is crucial. It's very important that you don't do it too soon or too late. It's certainly not first date material.

You see, when couples talk and get to know each other, they first begin by sharing non-threatening details like where they are from, what they do for a living, where they went to school, what they like doing and that kind of stuff.

Then they slowly begin sharing the "threatening" facts. It's important that she get to know you before you share those with her because then she will know how to correctly interpret your past.

For example, if you told her on the first date that you had slept with 3 women, she might think that you are a player or sleep around because she doesn't know the real you who has recovered from a godless past. She needs to learn other facts about you and needs to be around you in order for her to determine who you really are now before she learns what your past holds. That's just human nature.

If your best friend revealed to you something about his/her past that was bad, you'd likely still be their friend and would see them as someone who has been covered by the blood of Jesus. But if you met someone for the first time and they told you that same story from their past, you likely would think poorly of them because you would have nothing else to compare and, therefore, your perspective would be unbalanced.

You'll likely know when the time is right. But I'd say to first determine the level of sharing that each of you have done and the level of closeness the relationship has acheived. When you feel that she knows you pretty well on the inside in terms of your personality, character and heart and that you also know her that way, you'll likely feel the nudge to open up more. Don't be in a hurry if your past is a lot to process at once. She'll likely let you know how much she is ready to know by the questions she asks.

But it's none of her business and no good for the relationship if it's thrown out when the relationship is too immature for her to be able to put it in proper perspective and determine if she can handle the details or not.

This should apply to male and females when deciding if and when to share details of a dark past.

by Lee Wilson (Follow Lee on Facebook)
2008 Lee Wilson. All rights reserved. May not be used without permission. Permission granted to use approximately one paragraph on a blog, forum or website and then a link to this page for full content.

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Author Comments

Joined: 06 Sep 2007
Dating Articles for Christians. Dating Advice.: 0
Comments: 1
 Posted: Thu Sep 06, 2007 9:54 am  Post subject: sharing info on your sexual past

That was great advice lee.BUT I had to BURN to Learn.
I messed up a perfect relationship due to bad timing,but thank God for true friends and wonderful peolpe like you. I know now Have patience, He'll know at the right time
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Joined: 15 Aug 2004
Dating Articles for Christians. Dating Advice.: 14
Comments: 4
 Posted: Wed Nov 21, 2007 2:15 am  Post subject:

It changes with age, too. Someone in their early 20s may be shocked that the person they are dating has had sex. When you get older, the expectation naturally changes and most people assume you are no longer a virgin. In that case, the sooner the better because if you're older, you're probably looking specifically for someone to marry and you aren't just dating someone just to hang out. Better get it all out in the open and then move forward from there.
Rating: 0.00/5.00 [0]

Joined: 17 Jun 2008
Dating Articles for Christians. Dating Advice.: 0
Comments: 1
 Posted: Tue Jun 17, 2008 4:13 pm  Post subject:

Thanks for this article this topic has been on my mind for awhile
Rating: 5.00/5.00 [2]

Joined: 10 Jan 2013
Dating Articles for Christians. Dating Advice.: 0
Comments: 1
 Posted: Mon Jan 14, 2013 5:16 pm  Post subject: Sharing your sexual past with a prospective spouse?

I disagree that sharing your sexual past in detail is needed. I am 40 and was unsaved until I was halfway through my marriage. Yes there might be needed details to share but the number of men or women if you are no longer a virgin is null and void if you are now believing God's word on celibacy and abiding in it. I also know as a woman that I do not want to know my future husbands sexual history because it is just that, history and it would be too much for me not to replay it through my head. Just my opinion but also food for thought.
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